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Pazuzu Reviews: Paranormal Craptivity, Too!

Warning: The following review contains course language that most of you kids hear on a daily basis anyways. You’re going to ignore this warning and keep reading anyways, but I figured everybody deserves fair warning anyways, right?

Hey guys, Double D couldn’t make it this week, so as a special guest to all you little cocksuckers and cuntholes, he’s been replaced by me, the deliciously repugnant demon Pazuzu! That’s right folks, I’ve possessed Mr. Denis, just for a few hours, so I can use his blog to tell you all about demons and the way we’ve been sometimes properly presented through films, yet often portrayed as boring fuckwads who go around slamming people’s doors for no reason. What a wonderful day for a review!

In case you guys haven’t guessed, this is going to be a review of the miserably terrible Paranormal Activity 2. What a crock of horseshit! First let’s talk about this family! What a bunch of cockheads! First you got this Dad who spends the whole fucking movie in angry denial. Basically he’s a dick and you’re supposed to hate it, but good luck because you’ll be too busy hating everyone else. The daughter spends all her time with her ugly cockhead of a boyfriend and then when he’s not around she just screams all the time and the wife. Well, OK fine, I actually didn’t hate the wife that much. She seemed like sort of a normal person I guess. I would love to enter her. Show her what a real possession feels like. Take her for a little ride. Heh.

Speaking of which, this movie’s idea of a possession is just plain sick. I thought Katie just walking around the bed in the first movie was bad, but this is just sad. According to Paranormal Activity 2, when you get possessed you stand around, stare blankly into space and get slightly irate. That’s not a possession! That’s a fucking high-schooler on weed! Basically the bitch gets dragged downstairs and all of a sudden she’s possessed, which apparently makes people incredibly boring. Fuck that noise! When I possess some poor motherfucker they never know what hits them; vomiting, cursing, physically impossibly acts. All sorts of good shit! None of that is in this movie. Do you know what demons do in the universe perpetuated by the Paranormal Activity films? They slam doors, rumble loudly and open cupboards when you least expect. We can also fuck with your TV. Oh no! Watch out! Better hope we don’t attack during the Patriots game next week! Shit, this is juvenile. Look, people watching these films. Never fear. No demon haunting your house for whatever reason is going to spend all their time fiddling with your furniture until eventually we decide to drag you down some stairs. Oooooh, scary! Not! Jesus, what a boatload of bullshit! If we’re gonna attack you, it’s not gonna be that subtle, even if you’ve got some stupid video cameras recording absolutely everything in your house 24/7. Christ, what do you do when you gotta jerk off? I sure know I couldn’t cope. Gimme 20 minutes and I’d have a crucifix in my crotch for sure, cameras or no cameras.

Speaking of cameras, what is up with this family and their fucking camera fetish? I don’t know about you, but when I’m spilling my guts to my best pal Eliazel, if he were to hold a big handy-cam in my face the whole time, I’d rip his fucking head off without a second thought! Honestly, people keep spilling their guts out to cameras in this movie! This is Paranormal Activity, not Big fucking Brother! Jesus, these guys never shut the god damn cameras off for a second! Can’t they do anything important to the plot without capturing it on film? I guess not.
Anyways, here’s the whole plot of Paranormal Activity 2. It’s actually a prequel to the first movie and it turns out that the “demon” that’s less intelligent than my retarded cousin Shadogo, actually attacked some other family first and they happen to be the family of Katie’s sister, but then they send the demon over to Katie and that’s where the first film begins. Shit, it even hurt my brain just describing that thing. Glad that’s over with. Oh, did I spoil the movie for you? Fuck you, I just saved you 8 bucks!

People, the reason why I possessed Double D to write this review for y’all is because I want to raise awareness. I want to raise awareness against demonism. False interpretations of the plights and daily activities of demons are plaguing the big screen lately and it alarms me. It alarms me that we go through so much trouble to strike fear and terror into the hearts of mankind and then we’re portrayed as nothing more than a minor nuisance. It truly astounds me. Whatever happened to the good ol’ days when being a demon really meant something? Those glory days are over my friend. It’s gotten to the point where people are getting us confused with ghosts now. Are you kidding me? Ghosts! Seriously? It’s just sad.

We’ve got to take it back, people; back to the good old days when we were a force to be feared. This shit is just sad. Anyways, if you’ll excuse me, I have a small Romanian boy to possess. Hey, I don’t decide these assignments. The big guy’s always on my ass. Anyways, I’ll see all of you in Hell! Mu ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, I give Paranormal Activity 2 a 2/5. What? It had a few moments here and there. The ending was cool. But yeah, I gotta go.

Happy Halloween!

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