Hi, Double D here for another brief review, this time for a film that should have been reviewed two weeks ago. No one cares at this point, but I’ve got personal obligations to fill. Sue me. Anyway, today’s review is for Battleship, based on the Milton Bradley board game of the same name.
This film’s been under some pretty heavy judgement and at the ass-end of a boat-load of jokes about its source material. “What’s next?” the world is asking. “A Monopoly movie, a Ouija board movie, a remake of the Clue movie from the ‘80’s?” Psyche! All of those things are in development right now. You see, if Hollywood digs up anything with an ounce of public interest and decides it can make a quick bang for its buck, it’ll make a movie out of it. Battleship isn’t safe. It was never safe. What people always fail to realize is that movies were always a business before an art. The film camera wasn’t invented by a man saying, “This’ll push the art world into bold new places and challenge the perceptions of the masses!” It was invented by an old guy with a beard saying, “This thing’s cool. How can I sell it or use it to get laid?” And thus the film industry was born! Now we have executives asking the exact same questions. This film was funded by a toy company and paid for by product placement from Subway. It’s about a … whadaya call a group of ships? A battalion? No, that’s not right. Let’s go with battalion anyway. It’s about a battalion of ships that fight a battalion of alien ships off the coast of Hawaii. If that weren’t enough, it stars Taylor Kitsch, Liam Neeson and Rihanna! Fucking Rihanna! She doesn’t even have a last name! If you went into this movie expecting anything, literally anything but over-the-top cheesy explosiony dumbness, then you’re an idiot, a very tasteful idiot, but still an idiot.
Battleship is fun. Let’s get that out of the way. I had fun. I couldn’t help it. There was a big black amputee with metal legs that fights aliens, a bunch of old war vets that walk in slo-mo to their posts on a World War 2-era battleship, a cooky Jewish scientist and aliens that fire saw-blade ball things. It’s over-the-top to the max and a part of me enjoyed it. You know, the really stupid part that likes dumb stuff. It’s the same part of me that has a blast every time I watch Batman & Robin. That doesn’t mean that Battleship is a good movie, like at all. It was done by the guys who produced the Transformers movies, so I wasn’t expecting that anyways. You have to go into this one with the right expectations. Know that you’re seeing a movie based on the board game Battleship and you will know what kind of movie this is. It’s dumb fun. That’s about it. The scene where Taylor Kitsch steals a burrito is funny though. I’ll give ‘em that.
Anyway, you should get the gist by now. This movie was written by a 12-year-old boy with ADD, but since there happens to be a 12-year-old boy with ADD living in my head calling most of the shots in my life, I kind of enjoyed it, gosh help me. So yeah, I give it two briefs out of five.